by Carleton Kendrick, Ed.M., LCSW
Recent research has
suggested that a teen's best protection against engaging in dangerous behavior
(e.g. suicide, drug abuse, and violent acts) is a powerful emotional connection
to a parent. How can parents
develop and maintain a deep emotional connection with their adolescents?
Here are some tips on communicating effectively with your teens and
staying emotionally connected:
·
When your teen wants to talk, make
the time to talk then if at all possible. If you truly can't talk then, schedule a time as soon as
possible to do so. Teens eventually
will stop initiating contact with you if you're always too busy.
·
Take advantage of being in casual
physical proximity to your teen. Some
of the best opportunities to connect are the non-structured ones – doing the
dishes, raking leaves, car trips. If
you're driving with your teen on a short car trip, this can be an ideal time for
talking about anxiety-producing topics. Your
teen can avoid eye contact (which usually heightens her anxiety), look out her
window and be assured that a difficult conversation will last only as long as
the car ride.
·
Don't be put off by or stop
talking to your teen because they give you "attitude" and/or because
they appear annoyed when you try to talk with them.
Just because they don't respond does not mean that you should stop
talking to them. Talk to them about
your life, a project you're working on, an upcoming family party.
It keeps up the connection.
·
When you give your teens limits
and rules, always state the values and principles that they are based on.
They will protest them but they will respect what's behind them.
Also, involve your teens in negotiating some of your family's rules.
·
What do your teens like to do?
Find out and suggest doing some of these things together sometimes, even
if they aren't your "cup of tea".
·
Give your teens physical
affection. The same hug or kiss
that may embarrass them in public may be very well received and appreciated at
home, where no one can see.
·
Schedule pleasant ritualized time
together. Going out regularly for
late morning Sunday pancakes can be known as "our time".
·
Honor your teens' right and need
for privacy. But don't think that
an always-closed bedroom door prevents you from knocking and interacting.
Communicating
Effectively with Your Teen
·
When they talk with you, look for
hidden clues and messages - their tone, body language, and facial expressions.
·
Listen more than talk.
Listen without shaming, blaming and criticizing.
·
Make sure your praise/criticism
ratio favors praise, appreciation and encouragement.
·
If you disagree with them, do so
respectfully. Explain your
disagreement without assailing their character.
·
Ask open-ended questions:
"Do you think there are cliques in your high school who dislike one
another? How can that situation be
improved?"
·
Bring up and talk about things
that your teen likes.
·
When it comes to talking about
tough topics like sex and drug use, provide factual, accurate information along
with your values – spare the self-righteous, threatening lectures and sermons.
·
Be aware of not only what you say
but also how you say it. The tone
that you use with your teens can either prolong or shut down a conversation.
A sarcastic, condescending or harsh tone will quickly terminate a talk.
·
Don't trivialize, minimize or deny
your teens' negative feelings. Acknowledge them with empathetic language and tone:
"It seems like she really hurt your feelings with that comment.
How did it make you feel? Can
I help in any way?"
Here more from the author
of Take Out Your Nose Ring, Honey, We’re Going to Grandma’s –
Hanging In, Holding On and Letting Go of Your Teen at Heritage Middle
School Auditorium on Wednesday, October 29th at 7:30 pm.
This program is not to be missed!!!!!