Emotionally Intelligent Parenting
By Maurice Elias, Steve Tobias, and Brian Friedlander

Have A Family Mission Statement/Vision

Listen to Your Feelings

Emphasize Your Kids’ Strengths

Apologize When You Lose Your Cool

Children Follow What You Do Even More Than What You Say, But They Do Listen!

Make Your Home an Oasis Against Stress

The 24 Karat Golden Rule: Do Unto Your Children as You Would Have Others Do Unto Your Children

Check www.EQParenting.com

Emotional Expression: Your Pattern and Range

From: Raising Emotionally Intelligent Teenagers, by Elias, Tobias, and Friedlander

How often do you display the following feelings towards your children:

Always Regularly Once in a While Rarely Never

Love 1 2 3 4 5

Pride 1 2 3 4 5

Fun 1 2 3 4 5

Compassion 1 2 3 4 5

Respect 1 2 3 4 5

Understanding 1 2 3 4 5

Interest 1 2 3 4 5

Anger 1 2 3 4 5

Disappointment 1 2 3 4 5

Frustration 1 2 3 4 5

Annoyance 1 2 3 4 5

Embarrassment 1 2 3 4 5

Anxiety 1 2 3 4 5

Withdrawal 1 2 3 4 5

We list positive feelings first because many people forget about these. What is the balance between positive and negative feelings you show—not what you feel, but what you show? Remember, our children only know what we show them. Most parents find they need to put more emphasis on showing more of the positive feelings, because the negatives seem to come out fairly easily. The key for our children is balance. So, put your focus on the positives and don’t worry so much about decreasing the negatives at the moment. The latter is hard for most parents. You can re-balance through positives.

Your EQ Parenting Strengths

To what extent would you say you:

a. Are Aware of Kids’, Spouse’s Feelings:

This is Definitely Me Sort of Me Definitely Not Me

1 2 3 4 5

b. Show a High Degree of Self-control with Teens:

This is Definitely Me Sort of Me Definitely Not Me

1 2 3 4 5

c. Possess a Strong Sense of Empathy with Teens:

This is Definitely Me Sort of Me Definitely Not Me

1 2 3 4 5

d. Are Great at Seeing Other Family Members’ Points of View

This is Definitely Me Sort of Me Definitely Not Me

1 2 3 4 5

e. Set Positive Goals for Teens, Family:

This is Definitely Me Sort of Me Definitely Not Me

1 2 3 4 5

f. Do Organized, Detailed Planning around Parenting Tasks:

This is Definitely Me Sort of Me Definitely Not Me

1 2 3 4 5

g. Act in Highly Effective, Comfortable Ways With My Teenagers:

This is Definitely Me Sort of Me Definitely Not Me

1 2 3 4 5

h. Resolve Household Conflicts Peacefully:

This is Definitely Me Sort of Me Definitely Not Me

1 2 3 4 5

i. Use Creative Problem Solving Around Parenting Issues:

This is Definitely Me Sort of Me Definitely Not Me

1 2 3 4 5

You need to honestly appraise your own strengths when it comes to using your EQ skills in parenting. When it comes to parenting, what is “definitely you”? What is “sort of you”? What is “not you”? Would your kids agree? Would your children’s other parent agree? If you are courageous, ask them!! The feedback can only help!

Regardless, keep this inventory of your strengths. By reading and putting into practice ideas from Emotionally Intelligent Parenting and Raising Emotionally Intelligent Teenagers, we expect you will get better at your strengths and improve in those areas you wish to improve.

Family Fun Plan Worksheet

Maurice J. Elias, Ph.D.

Rutgers University (MJERU@AOL.COM)

Fun Recall—List some times when you have had the most fun as a family

Fun Things—List some thing that different family members find to be the

funniest

Fun Centers—List where in the house you have the most fun as a family

Fun Time—When during the week can you schedule some family fun? For

how long?

Fun Activities—What can we do as a family to have fun?

Possible Places Parents’ Ideas Child’s Ideas

At Home

At the Mall

In the Car

In the Park

Other Places

Fun Resources—What do we need to have fun (e.g., books, games,

videos, toys, supplies, etc.)

Resources for Building Learning Communities Through EQ/SEL

Books and Manuscripts

CASEL (2003). Safe and Sound: An educational leader’s guide to evidence-based social and emotional learning programs. Chicago: Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning.

Elias, M. J. (2003). Academic and social-emotional learning: Educational Practices Series, Booklet #11. Geneva, Switzerland: International Academy of Education (IAE) and the International Bureau of Education (IBE), UNESCO. http://www.ibe.unesco.org.

Elias, M. J., Arnold, H. A., Hussey, C. S. (Eds.) (2003). EQ + IQ = Best leadership practices for caring and successful schools. Thousand Oaks, CA: Corwin Press.

Elias, M. J., Friedlander, B.S., & Tobias, S. E. (2001). Engaging the resistant child through computers: A manual to facilitate social & emotional learning. Port Chester, NY: National Professional Resources (www.nprinc.com, 1-800-453-7461).

Elias, M. J., & Tobias, S. E., (1996). Social problem solving interventions in the schools. Port Chester, NY: National Professional Resources/Guilford Publishers (www.nprinc.com, 1-800-453-7461).

Elias, M. J., Tobias, S. E., & Friedlander, B. S. (2000). Emotionally intelligent parenting: How to raise a self-disciplined, responsible, socially skilled child. NY: Three Rivers Press.

Elias, M. J., Tobias, S. E., & Friedlander, B. S. (2002). Raising emotionally intelligent teenagers: Guiding the way to compassionate, committed, courageous adults. New York: Random House/Three Rivers Press.

Elias, M. J., Zins, J. E., Weissberg, R. P., Frey, K. S., Greenberg, M. T., Haynes, N. M., Kessler, R., Schwab-Stone, M. E., & Shriver, T. P. (1997). Promoting social and emotional learning: Guidelines for educators. Alexandria, VA: Association for Supervision and Curriculum Development.

Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional intelligence. New York: Bantam Books.

Lantieri, L. (Ed.). (2001). Schools with spirit: Nurturing the inner lives of children and teachers. Boston: Beacon Press.

Lantieri, L., & Patti, J. (1996). Waging peace in our schools. Boston: Beacon Press.

Norris, J. A., Kress, J. S. (2000). Reframing the standards vs. social and emotional learning debate: A case study. The Fourth R, 91 May, June, July, 7-10.

Novick, B., Kress, J., & Elias, M. J. (2002). Building learning communities with character: How to integrate academic, social, and emotional learning. Alexandria, VA: ASCD.

Social and Emotional Learning. [Special Issue]. (1997). Educational Leadership. 54 (8).

WEB RESOURCES: www.CASEL.org and www.CASEL.org/collections.htm

For additional information, inquiries: email at MJERU@AOL.COM